a Card Pull for Disappointment

I got the disappointing news today. 

I fully admit I’m angry. I’m angry & sad.
I’m grieving over this lost opportunity. 
I’m disappointed in my lack of ability. 

Logically, I understand that this news has nothing to do with my fundamental lack in ability. But, every rejection feels like the inevitable outcome due to a personal character flaw. I know that’s not true, I know that’s unreasonable. If I heard a friend say that about themselves, I would insist they were wrong & accuse them of being ridiculous for not seeing the worth I so obviously see. 

Why is it we give such good advice to our friends and refuse to take it ourselves? 

I’m writing this in a calmer, more resolute state but I was far more emotional earlier. 

I was far more emotional & I took it out on my cards. 

They gave me such hope! The Lovers! The Four of Pentacles Reversed! The Universe so clearly challenging me to be better, to trust, have faith, and choose to be a better version of myself. And I was disappointed! 

This feels so. Religious.
It feels like a youth pastor with quaffed hair in a quarter zip is about to tell me that it’s all “part of God’s plan & it’ll work out”. Gross. It feels like I’m just associating any less-than-ideal spiritual experience with organized religion.
Which is not fair. 

But why did I pull these hopeful cards if I was going to be disappointed?
Why did I interpret these cards as hopeful when the path was already diverted?

I ask. I lead with frustration and I asked the cards why they mislead me SO significantly. I know I’m being childish, I know I’m being petty and I ask anyway.

I flip Strength Reversed. 

A slap in the face. A punch to the gut it’s so hard it’s impossible to ignore. 
I didn’t read the cards. They read me. 

From Biddy Tarot:
If you’ve recently experienced a setback, you may be vulnerable and lacking self-confidence. 

Your core strength will always be with you. Now is a good time to connect with this power. In fact, you may hold more strength and resilience than you know. Be kind to yourself. 

In its shadow form, Strength Reversed can signal that you are prone to explosive behavior, lashing out at others and becoming aggressive. You amy act without thinking and end up doing something you regret. The key is not to repress the raw emotion, but to learn how to channel it so it won’t harm others or yourself. 

SO pleased to report I’m not repressing raw emotion. 

I’m angry. 
I’m angry at the rejection. I’m angry at the Universe.

And I’m proud of my relationship with these cards. This is pivotal.